The Mayhem

Finishing up October

behrboi27@gmail.com — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 04:10:48 GMT

As the last week of October picks up momentum only a few minor changes are going on. Largest among them is my new hire at work, Suji. She's my new weekday evening person, allowing me to have some semblance of a home time life and quasi-normal work hours. I have one more person to get in for an interview and hire so that I might be able to start training him or her over the weekend and during the next week. Its been a challenge getting things squared away with work so that I might be able to find some time off for my birthday. My brothers just told me they would like to come down and visit during my birthday weekend (the 7th). Jasen and I are trying to figure out if that will be happening in Knoxville or in Atlanta. We shall see how things turn out. The search for a job in the Big ATL is still on going.....

Off-Beat October

behrboi27@gmail.com — Sun, 18 Oct 2009 20:57:13 GMT

October has been a strange month so far. I guess it really is on par with the rest of the year I have had so far to this point. Jasen is still living in Atlanta, unemployed since July. The distance is slowly wearing me down, that with the combination of being short staffed for the last three months at the hotel for varying reasons is really putting me in a personal funk. I'm writing to vent a little so if the ranting gets too boring or randomly stupid or sad, feel free to stop reading.

I have been feeling out of touch with a lot of my friends, and disconnected from the life goals I have for myself. I have my moments of brilliance and confidence here and there but nothing like the person I was two or three years ago. Optimism is not something I am a stranger to, but lately it seems we have been on the outs with each other. I did some soul searching about what is really bothering me,asking myself things like : is it my location, or my job, or Jasen being too far away to feel like we're completely connected anymore, or something completely different like my weight, or how tired I always feel? I haven't come to a definite culprit but I think all of those things are the stresses that generally effect me most daily, or at least concerns about those things. I don't get a lot of time to have for myself lately and really get to relax and catch up on the stuff that I feel needs to be done, and its seems like everyone I know is moving forward or at least progressing in some way while I'm stagnant. I don't know if that's something I should be blaming on my way of looking at things or if its indeed a reasonable interpretation of how life is going right now.

I've been looking for a decent job in Atlanta that I could transfer into with a low success rate. I could get hired at any ordinary humdrum line level position for just about any company posting jobs online, but that's not what I want to do: starting from the bottom (again.) It leaves me with limited options for employment but I have to be practical rather than emotional which in itself isn't too much of a challenge but it does eventually wear me out. I am really trying to keep my head up though and have been marginally successful at keeping a smile on my face, daily. I have had some recently potentially promising options arise with a banking job that I am waiting to hear about.

Here's to venting and making my thoughts a bit more organized (raises bottle of water), and keeping in good spirits.

So I Never Forget

behrboi27@gmail.com — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 22:16:28 GMT

This is a letter from my mother to my aunt…

9/3/09

Lee,

I’m printing out this e-mail I am sending you so that it can’t be altered from the original sent message. Just so you know that in advance.

I am very upset by the remark your husband made about Enoch in front of Betsy and others at mom’s house for your children’s’ birthdays. Again, his remarks were uncalled for and ignorant. I too wonder why you didn’t say anything to him in front of everyone, like he does. I wasn’t there, but enough people told me the same story of what he called my son. I will never forget. I have tried to help you many times over and somehow you twisted it around or had help twisting it around, I don’t know. How you handle things is your business, that is true, but this time it IS my business even though my son does not need my help in this matter. He can certainly take care of himself, which he has been doing, by himself, for several years. In fact, Jasen, his partner, and I kept him from going to your house and ‘visiting’ your husband while you were at mom’s birthday party.

You can pass this on to your husband from me: My son will hopefully attend every function my parents / family members has, other than you and your spouse (if you ever did that), even if I have to fly my son up here. I have many things to call your husband, but, I won’t put it in writing to be used against me, because if he could turn this into something other than an “I am disappointed in you for not taking up for your nephew, and I am disappointed in your husband, again, for being ignorant” message, he would.

You lead a very sad and dishonorable life Laura. You should open up your eyes to the real world and the wonderful family that you have/had. I say had because you had me in your family and now I am removing myself.

Cindy

This is how I responded to my mother.

Mom,

I appreciate you standing up for me and not tolerating Mark's horrendous comments about me. I really am saddened that you have exercised this route to show your support of me but I agree that something and someone needs to make a change for our family. I am sorry for the first time ever that I am gay. Its not something I've ever been embarrassed or ashamed of because its just how I am, it's not a choice or an option for me, its just there as part of me. I'm sorry because its not something that should ever be this big of a deal to anyone and it certainly shouldn't cause families to decide to split from each other, that is the opposite of what the majority of gay people want, myself included.

It's a long road to being accepted, let alone liked, and even longer to be loved by those we tell our "socially shamed secret" to.... I have always been very, very blessed to have the family that I do and I am very proud to have you, Dad, Adam, and Kevin, support me in who I am... but it sickens me that my homosexuality is suddenly being treated like a "something about Enoch" issue that you are forced to endure when it should never be that large of a deal.

It has never bothered me to be gay, ever. I don't have a harder life for it socially, people know or they don't and I could care less. I'm comfortable in my own skin and sexual orientation. I'm not mad at myself or upset with who I am over this but I am very sad that it has been a catalyst for something that everyone in our family has had a right-to-do for so long regarding Mark, without the issue of my sexuality needing to be the "straw that broke the camel's back." I don't know what repercussions this will have with everyone else and I really don't care ultimately as long as you are okay with your choice and don't feel forced into "needing" to do this for me, personally.

I'm also saying thank you for loving me so much that you would and always have chosen to love me more than anyone else regardless of how much those other people may have ever meant to you. I would not be sad, but I am because it was brought to such extremes, and I'm sad not for me, but for you... I shouldn't be the problem that you have with your sister... and I feel that I have become that. Mark and Laura's lives are as much theirs to live as they see fit and their opinions don't have to be the same as ours for us to love them. Tolerance can never be gained in full by alienating those who think differently.

On the subject of Laura herself, I don't think she shares Mark's outrageous and often far fetched prejudices, but she is responsible for allowing him to make her live by them. Sometimes its so hard to see a light at the end of a very long dark tunnel especially if that tunnel is one you've been lost in for a lifetime. Our extended family has many dark moments and many bright ones too... but to really let someone go is very serious and very unfortunate if its over the comments of someone else who is renowned for his distasteful bantering and behavior. I know you love your sister and please dont' let her go because of me... I'll always be here for you and you are always here for me regardless of what anyone else thinks of me. Hope and love are hard enough to find in life, so when you have those feelings for someone, however lost he or she may seem, don't let it be defeated by one moment or one sentence said in bad taste.

I love you dearly and support your decisions and will always be here for you and I am very proud to have a mother who loves me so unconditionally. Whatever life may bring, I will always be your biggest fan.

Love Always,

Enoch

behrboi27@gmail.com — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 01:10:38 GMT

little pieces slip away
unnoticed in the day to day
swept aside and called mundane
those little pieces that kept me sane

ever expressing a supposed struggle
to suppress his thoughts that muddle
any hope of being truthful in the end
keeping you apart from me

to speak of age and times to be
as if there is ever a right moment
an epiphany of maturity that decrees
today i must be free of all that binds

flight from anything worth a fight
to stay random moments of delight
is not an age given right of passage
rather be it a lack of love's respect

call it youth and fun
your moment in the sun
as all else fades to gray
beware the creeping shadows

we've all been the hot new thing
all seen an occasional fling
and learned the lessons held within
and found the steady course

be cautious what you may dismiss
a loving embrace and gentle kiss
a whispered i love you into the night
for creeping shadow's dangerous delight.

(That Last Thursday of November)

behrboi27@gmail.com — Fri, 28 Nov 2008 00:59:58 GMT

Well I can smell turkey but I can't eat it... I'm at work until 10pm tonight... been here most of the day (since 2, woke up at 1).

I thought it would be a nice thing for me to let my staff have off as much time around the holiday as I could handle working myself. I don't mind being at work since family plans couldn't be made. (The fam is 10 hours away). I will be MOD again this weekend *yay* (that's not really a happy sound on the inside)

Jasen came by the hotel all dressed up to say hello and sit here in silence with me. He's job hunting and I'm trying to stay awake.

HAHA so to all who get to enjoy some turkey, please, PLEASE eat some for me. I miss turkey :( :( :(

oh and some mashed potatoes too...

and pumpkin pie.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

Birthday Things

behrboi27@gmail.com — Thu, 13 Nov 2008 03:46:37 GMT

Hooray for 26 yrs.

I had a great birthday weekend in Atlanta with a great group of friends. I wish I could have seen all of my buds who weren't there. Thanks everyone for the great birthday wishes.

Happy Birthday Mike!

MOD

behrboi27@gmail.com — Sat, 01 Nov 2008 09:25:24 GMT

I'm manager on duty this weekend at the Holiday Inn...

Let the festivities begin.

Rawr :)

urbandictionary.com meme

behrboi27@gmail.com — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 08:31:58 GMT

1. Name: Enoch

         Definition: desirable, irresistable, sometimes annoying, indifferent to your feeling, high ranked,
                             extremely cute when he is in his mood, and... charming

2. Age: 25

          Definition: The age at which one can finally rent a car in the United States without being charged enormous
                               amounts of money and without having to sign thousands of papers for that matter. So, a half-
                               blind 70-year-old just got his license, rents a car a kills 5 people is more acceptable than a 24-
                               year-old who has been driving for up to 10 years without an accident.

3. Name of a friend: Jennifer

           Definition: a fun, outgoing person. generally smart but can be a total blonde at times. someone who likes
                               meeting new people, and smiles a lot. a person who never would just turn on people. a very
                               good friend. someone you can trust. when she's mad, stand clear she might blow her top. but a
                               person who doesn't get mad easily so you dont have to worry about that.

4. What you should be doing instead of this Meme: Working

           Definition: A term to describe the tedious and boring indentured servitude that most people are forced to
                               endure to get money. Generally, not a pleasant experience.

5. Favorite color: Green

            Definition:  yes... it is most definitely referring to the marijuana... and also, upon occassion, any substance
                                with similar uses. too, properly, of course, it is a golfing term, but that;s really not very much fun,
                                now is it?

6. Your birthplace: Baltimore, MD

             Definition: (the first definition was very very long so i'm not going to post it.. but its interesting to read)

7. Last person you talked to: Jasen

              Definiton:  the most amazing, perfct, HOT!!!, sweet, nice, caring, sexy, outgoing boyfriend ever.... in the
                                 whole wide WORLD!! i want to marry him!!!!   (yes it really said that)

8. Last thing you had to drink: Diet Coke

              Definition:  A drink that is to be ordered after ordering a large, unhealthy meal. As opposed to regular
                                  soda, diet soda contains no calories, sodium, carbs or sugar.

9. Your nickname: Big E

             Definition:  Refering to the greatest nascar driver to grace the planet, Dale Earnhardt. Tragically died in a
                                 crash during the Daytona 500. RIP Dale (Lame).

hello LJ

behrboi27@gmail.com — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 06:31:24 GMT

Hey guys! I've been gone for a long while from my journal. I have been very busy and mostly entertained by my life the last year and haven't taken the time to post much at all. I miss my LJ and all my friends on here and will be posting often again.

Anyone aside from me watching The Real Housewives of Atlanta and not feeling guilty about it?

Heroes this year is better.

Project Runway season 5 made me miss season 4......

I still don't care about Britney Spears.

Whitney Houston is still my favorite toothless crackwhore.

Bears are stll the hottest guys on the planet.

I have a decent job and work at a hotel.

I still plan on moving to Atlanta at first opportunity.

I still need to exercise more.

I have my own car finally.

Awesomeness

behrboi27@gmail.com — Tue, 28 Oct 2008 10:20:36 GMT

Jasen and I just came back from one of our many visits to Atlanta this weekend. I really can't wait to move there. It's going to be awesome.

*shout out to Nick* The parts of the soul that make us feel the emotions we do can be echoed in the voice of a friend... it was good to talk to you this morning. Mr. Mackin impacted many peoples' lives.

Looking forward to my birthday this year. We're going back down to Atl for a few days to party with the boys. Can't wait to see Nick, Kerr, Chris, Richard, hopefully Pat, Jason, Chris B, and all the guys we just met this weekend too!

Random thoughts: For as much joy as bumper stickers occasionally give me, I would never want to put one on my own car... The remote locking for my car really throws me off, for some reason I can't seem to get the hang of this particular remote. People don't navigate swinging doors well in the morning, especially if they are steering a bellman's cart. Label makers are fun for about the first five minutes of having one, after that you just wish for things you could legitimately get away with labelling. Scissors are not meant to be used for long periods at a time. I always speed when driving but never for a real reason.....

Just a Thought on Bears and Their Rants

behrboi27@gmail.com — Sat, 06 Sep 2008 10:22:19 GMT

I've been reading, yes reading, profiles on bear411 for the first time in a long time. Recently I've just become interested in what exactly it is that people have to say.

There's the standard sex ad, the no pics no party comments, the drama free ub2's, friends only, and all the other general profiles. Some are the rare gems, the rants.

A rant to me would be any given profile who's owner has taken the time to basically complain about what he doesn't like about life, people, drama, people, drama, people, life, bears, bear life, drama.... lol. You get what I'm saying.

I would never challenge someone about his right to freedom of speech; oral or written. However the irony to me is that those sort of profiles seem to spark the exact conflicts they are meant to repel. Some even have ammendments about negative responses.

It begs the question, why go through the trouble to invite the things one personally claims to loath?

Revisited

behrboi27@gmail.com — Sat, 30 Aug 2008 10:26:06 GMT

News From the Queen

From such manicured lips

You do profess

With vile error

The details of the night

For eyes so heavily burdened

In all your glamor

They fail you in sight

With devious certainty

You chose to speak

For this weeks gossip

Has been to weak

So you start something new

Who will care if it’s untrue

You’re not worried

About any reaction

You’re into things like this

For their primary distraction

So sad, it is really

That this is your way

Of attention retention

To fabricate a story

And tell it over

Filled with pretension

And sexual intention

For you I have pity

For in your attempt

To be sly and witty

A fool’s role you’ve come to play

Because I cleared up your rumor today

behrboi27@gmail.com — Wed, 12 Dec 2007 07:51:47 GMT

so lately i've decided slowly that i am about due for a lifestyle change.

I've been hovering right around 300lbs for about a year... sometimes a little less and sometimes a little more.... and i'm not really looking how i want to.

Jasen and I are looking into gym memberships and things of that nature. We'll see what is affordable and make our decisions.

Last time I acted on it I lost 84 lbs in four months, nothing unhealthy, went to the doctor each month for a check up and he was just amazed and happy with what i was doing...

I could totally do that again but I want to build muscle more than just lose random pounds.... so working out is a must this time.

I don't need a diet really just to do what I used to, however I'm nervous J won't be able to be happy with the things I would choose to eat, he sometimes gets annoyed if I eat the same thing over and over... but I'm just like that... I don't have a huge variety of foods that I do like....

We'll see how it goes... I really am just trying to get my thoughts in order before I start getting bombarded with advice from people about how to do what I already know how to do....

Everyone has their own ideas of the best way to get into shape or achieve a goal..... but I think I want to do it my way... I just don't know how to tell Jasen that I don't want other peoples' plans for how to get healthy.

*sigh* I hope this doesn't become a point of conflict.

Oh... in other news... I'm still alive.

HAHA BITCHES

behrboi27@gmail.com — Tue, 23 Oct 2007 06:48:47 GMT

Rowling: Harry Potter's wizard mentor is gay......!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

hahaha that is good news if i've ever heard any... right????

Dumbledore is gay... take that bitches!!!!!!!!!!!!!

At The Moment

behrboi27@gmail.com — Fri, 17 Aug 2007 19:38:30 GMT

Woke up still sick today. Started watching Vanity Fair and even Mrs. Reese Witherspoon couldn't bring me up. *sigh*

Jasen tried his hand at remedying my sad/sick feelings... now I'm just pissed off, sick, and horny.

I hate feeling this way. I am sort of hungry, sort of nauseated, sort of hard... it's just a big crapfest of unhappy.

I have to be at work at six.... can't fucking wait.

How Its Going

behrboi27@gmail.com — Fri, 17 Aug 2007 03:48:28 GMT

Yeah its been a while since I've put up anything substantial about my life currently on here.

I have a boyfriend, his name is Jasen... I think I might have mentioned him on here before, months ago but I can't make any promises.

He moved to Knoxville, just for me - well for him too but for us I should say. We're doing well and things with us are great.

Currently I've been frustrated with a lack of a job which I've filled out dozens of applications, done walk-ins to places and what have you... Nothing materialized itself for quite some time. I now work at Ruby Tuesday as a server. I've never done a serving job before so its a new experience and apparently one I'm supposed to have since I could get hired nowhere else.

Jasen started working there about one day after I did... got him a job there as a cook. A cook was fired my first day and J has experience with cooking so it was only a good choice for RT's to make. It works out for us.

The cats are still alive for all who remember that I have cats. Both of them are doing well.

I'm sick today so this entry is going to be short.. but I just wanted a quick update anyhow....

Unchallenged

behrboi27@gmail.com — Wed, 08 Aug 2007 06:11:00 GMT

Wondrously wicked witty whispers
Dance dangerous upon your lips
Ever so gracious in their arrival
Vicious for their unspoken intent

Enchanting lies ever so secret
Promises spoken with crossed fingers
Held fast in the light of day
Losing luster in the heat of the night

How dense these dark nights
So heavy the air compresses
Till all light and sound are filtered away
Leaving only thoughts and interpretation

So the house rules rule again
Never speak what you cannot bear to hear
Fallacy or truth be unheard, unchallenged
To save face and keep the household grace.

Yee haa

behrboi27@gmail.com — Thu, 28 Jun 2007 08:54:52 GMT

<table width=350 align=center border=0 cellspacing=0 cellpadding=2><tr><td bgcolor="#EEEEEE" align=center><font face="Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif" style='color:black; font-size: 14pt;'><b>Your Love Life is Like The Princess Bride</b></font></td></tr><tr><td bgcolor="#FFFFFF"><center><img src="http://images.blogthings.com/whatmovieisyourlovelifelikequiz/bride.jpg" height="100" width="100"></center><font color="#000000">
"Since the invention of the kiss, there have only been five kisses that were rated the most passionate, the most pure. This one left them all behind."

For you, love is like a fairy tale - albeit a fairly twisted one.
You believe romance is all about loyalty, fate, and a good big of goofy fun.

Your love style: Idealistic yet quirky

Your Hollywood Ending Will Be: Perfectly romantic</font></td></tr></table><div align="center"><a href="http://www.blogthings.com/whatmovieisyourlovelifelikequiz/">What Movie Is Your Love Life Like?</a></div>

Fallen Star

behrboi27@gmail.com — Sat, 09 Jun 2007 14:32:11 GMT

How sweet the sun rises this morn
Innocent of the goings on of night
Having only its reflection to claim
Bearing witness to our tears

So hard the stars fall
When they finally leave the sky
A burning streak across the heavens
Searing through our hearts

Leaving our nights a little darker
A light forever dimmed
To be reflected in our days
Borne in the aching of our chests

Again....

behrboi27@gmail.com — Tue, 05 Jun 2007 06:20:39 GMT

So many these beautiful desires
Moving across my mind
Happiness harbored inside
Those thoughts of you and I

Kept ever so near
Just a heartbeat away
Saved it all for you
My new end of the day

I have tried a thousand times
To just once find a way
How to properly explain
The joy that your love gives

I'll take my hand and hold yours
Forever to long for you
When our bodies cannot touch
Awaiting your return to me.

How I've Been

behrboi27@gmail.com — Sun, 03 Jun 2007 08:06:27 GMT

Its amazing what a long ass, blah kind of day mixed with a pint of raspberry moonshine and a bottle of crown can do for a person. I want to just disappear.

When nothing else will do
At the end of my day all I want is you
Tonight that is a void
That will leave me unquenched

You're a thirst that I can't indulge
A forbidden fruit of passion
Kept locked away by time and space
A casual tear drawn down my face

To hear you just for a moment
To feel you beside me
I can't stand the pace
Too slow till I see your loving face

You bear the force of my distress
Knowing all too well the feelings
Incomplete till I find you again
Left to my own personal misery

behrboi27@gmail.com — Sat, 02 Jun 2007 10:25:20 GMT

Temporary Contemporary

for all its weight in worth
we face our personal truths
sold out and passed around
to find this promised land

to get where we are
we all gave up a little
for all there was to gain
the glory of all the pain

we get the Hollywood ideals
discounted for half price
we're all too quick to buy
never knowing what's truly sold

so we live in our happy compromise
living under our daily disguise
never letting on about what's missing
bad dreams of childhood and never reminiscing

welcome to your brand new today
bought in the heat of yesterday
taught if its ignored long enough
the truth can fade away

Happy Tuesday

behrboi27@gmail.com — Tue, 29 May 2007 05:38:52 GMT

Set the Mood

When its all you have to hold
How quickly the mood goes cold
Just like the metal and plastic in hand
Makes me appreciate how love is grand

Show me a shining example
To disprove your absent silence
Those confessions of want and need
Contrasting the direction you proceed

Angry, no, that's not my style
Sad, maybe, I'll write for a while
Proof of whatever I haven't found
Still wishing for another round

I'd take you mad, take you hurt
I'd take you however you are
As long as I'm having you in form
Much to the opposite of my present night

Asshole

call me whatever you will
call me a whore, a pill, a tool, a wank
cry fuck you to me or to my back
say what you will for whatever it achieves

sling those words round and round
and tell me what resolution you have found
to keep pace while throwing those in my face
show me what joy that brings

so take the salt and pour
those secret cuts i promised wait
I'd rather have been called bile
than that which I find so vile

in honesty i have been many things
i've had my whorish flings
i've been used a bit too
but I'm not only what i do

I know how to be worse
I've lived with the best examples
Lessons only a child could learn
So I know the difference

just so you know
so its been said just once
if its what you want
I could show you a true asshole.

Symbols

behrboi27@gmail.com — Sun, 27 May 2007 06:08:16 GMT

I found you so far away
Close as the nearest phone
Untouchable for miles
Beyond the physical, that's our bond

Met by the new convention of sorts
Talking our nights away
Blessed is sleep, but only after your voice
To hear you makes me wish for something to hold

Sent with a kiss, sealed with a letter
Worn, yet perfectly suited
Smelling of all the things you long for
Just a shirt to any wandering eye

Worn at night or held close
Its a hug you can't find anywhere
When the nights are vacant
As wishes fail to bring you to me

Your new favorite thing
I have one now too
White and small
Perfect because its from you

Given with a flick of the wrist
Sealed with a lover's kiss
A giggle at the thought once shared
Just a band to any wandering eye

Simple symbols of something so grand
Measured by the length of our gazes
Satisfied by bodily desire
Yet just simple things to any wandering eye

I Thought

behrboi27@gmail.com — Mon, 21 May 2007 03:50:44 GMT

I thought I'd heard them all
Those wonderful things
That could steal my heart away
Leaving me open to someone

I thought I'd heard it all
When the happiness
Fell from their voices
Handing my love back in pieces

I thought I'd heard it all
I've seen both sides
The grandest happy moments
Clouded by the saddest times

Perhaps only to enlighten
A newly cautious heart
And guide me to an honest man
To know when I've found him

I see you with no blinders on
Not through rose colored glasses
Rather found in the truth of your words
The ones you stole from my mouth

You speak your heart
The words were already mine
Hidden away in my soul
Waiting to be confessed to you

So whisper me a love song
Kiss me as only you know how
Find me wrapped in your arms
Share the love of our embrace

I thought I'd felt it all
Then I felt you
None too late and none too soon
The part that makes me whole